I have been thinking about writing this article for a very long time. I kept going back and forth about what I would say because I didn’t want to offend anyone, or put down the men at all. I mostly just wanted to share my experience and thoughts because of how many people have asked me about being a woman and being the general contractor of our house.
Anyone who knows Farmer and I personally, will tell you that he is the one with the handy skills and the knowledge to pull this off…. not me. I would happily admit to anyone who asked, that he was far more qualified to build a house than I was.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no skills in this department at all. And my original thoughts on the matter were that building the house was the man’s job, not the woman’s, right??
I felt that way because I had never even considered the alternative. I didn’t know any women general contractors. In fact, I didn’t even know any women working in the construction field.
So how did I end up our general contractor? …
Farmer and I used to talk about how to build our dream home a lot, and every time, we would run into the issue of money. To hire a general contractor to build what we wanted would cost more money than we could afford. I was the stubborn one unwilling to shave off square footage to save money.
So the other option was to general contract it ourselves. Well, every time we talked about it, we instantly hit a wall because of the time limitations that Farmer’s job created. There was just no way for Farmer to general contract the house while also working 80 hour weeks on the farm.
For months, we didn’t get anywhere in our planning because we had no solution for our problem:
Hiring a GC was too expensive.
Farmer didn’t have time to do it.
I wouldn’t budge on the size of house I wanted.
So there we sat for several months, stuck. Then one night, I am sure I was being especially whiny about it, and all of a sudden Farmer just said
“Then you do it.”
FW: “What do you mean I do it? I can’t be our general contractor.”
Farmer: “Why not? You want me to do it so bad… why can’t you?”
FW: “Well I have no idea. I am the wife. I don’t know anything about building.”
Farmer: “Better start learning then or you aren’t ever going to get this house.”
And he was right. I had no excuse, and there was no other way for me to get my dream house without taking out an enormous and unrealistic loan. So that is how it began.
But I am not writing this to tell you the story of how it came about. I am writing this to tell you honestly and truly what challenges (and opportunities) come being a woman and being your own general contractor.
**Side note before we get started- these challenges were not things that I encountered from everyone. Far from it, actually. The majority of people I talked to or worked with were courteous and kind. These are just some of the things that happened to me that are worth mentioning so other women can be prepared should they choose to general contract their own house.
Challenges:
Some people don’t take you seriously
This was the first thing I noticed. It was obvious that no one thought I was serious. The first reaction was usually a laugh, followed by a “wait, really?”
This was not a big deal, but it was definitely noticeable and happened a great majority of the time. Once we got beyond the initial shock, most people just accepted it and moved on.
Some people will say offensive things.
Then there were the people who, even after the initial shock, didn’t like what they were hearing for one reason or another. I don’t believe it was always meant to be rude, but occasionally it felt that way.
I had plenty of people tell me I was an idiot and that I couldn’t build a quality home. Others would comment that my husband must be hating life right now. And plenty of other things that don’t need to be highlighted here.
If you just refuse to let them get to you, this doesn’t have to have any effect on you or your build. Have a couple of good comebacks or responses ready if that will help you in those situations.
Some people will want to talk to “your husband”.
This one was a little surprising to me. On several occasions, even after I explained to someone that I (and not my husband) was the general contractor, they still wanted to talk to Farmer about things. It was like they were either uncomfortable working with me, or they honestly didn’t think I could do it, so they would just be really vague and keep saying that they could talk with Farmer about it later. In some situations I had to get really pushy and direct about it or I couldn’t even get the information out of them.
Some people may not want to work with you.
This is similar to the last one except they don’t always ask for the man in charge, they just simply don’t want to work with a woman. This didn’t happen all that often, but enough to mention it.
Plus, I had several of my sub contractors tell me it was a little weird having a woman in charge. They weren’t rude about it, but they made it clear that they hadn’t worked with many before and thought it was different.
Some people may try and take advantage of you.
I get a lot of emails about people concerned that they will get taken advantage of because they don’t know what they are doing. The reality is that there are people out there that will try and take advantage of you. Maybe it’s because you are a woman, maybe it’s because you don’t know anything, maybe it’s because you are young, maybe it’s because you are old, or maybe that person takes advantage of everyone no matter their gender, experience, or age. You just have to know that it will probably happen at some point.
This problem is usually easy to avoid. It’s all about how much homework you are willing to do. If you call two potential sub contractors and just hire the cheaper one, you haven’t done any homework. You should be calling several people, asking a million questions, getting references, and researching that particular trade until you know enough to determine who is the honest and hard working one in the group. The lying, cheating, over charging sub contractors will stand out pretty well against the sub contractors that are a good idea to hire. And as a side note, there are plenty of really awesome sub contractors out there that will take care of you instead of take advantage of you. You just have to find them!
Some people may leave you out on purpose.
There were a few times, even after I hired someone, that they would just leave me out of the loop on purpose. Maybe I am just that intimidating …. or annoying I guess … but I still can’t figure out why sometimes I just didn’t get called. When you are ready to hire someone, make your expectations known up front. Tell them you want to be informed of any changes before they happen, or problems if they arise. You are the boss. You are the one writing the checks. You get to make the rules.
There may be a general male environment on the work site.
Ladies, it’s just what they are used to. It doesn’t mean they are trying to be rude, but it is often a reality. Construction guys are used to working with construction guys … not women.
This may be one of the reasons they don’t necessarily like working with a woman. It can really throw off their groove and make them think about doing something other than what they are used to. Here are some of the things I noticed about the generally male environment of a construction zone:
- Swearing and crude language
- Taking shirts (and other items of clothing) off when they get hot
- Peeing … anywhere
- Blasting loud music
Maybe this is all stuff you are used to, but I was not. I just tried to be understanding, nice, and ALWAYS approached slowly in case someone was urinating in the weeds or taking a quick dip in the water to cool off.
One more time, I just want to say that I am not trying to bash on the guys. Most of these things didn’t bother me, they are just things that a woman general contractor needs to be aware of. If a man barged into your all female workout class, there are probably some things he would need to know also. It’s just the way construction is- mostly dominated by men.
Being a woman general contractor is certainly not all bad either! I had many experiences that actually made me glad I was a woman, and grateful for the wonderful men that took the time to help me and be nice to me. So here are a some of the opportunities that I had because I am a woman in a male dominated setting.
Opportunities:
People may be nicer to you.
Yes, there are plenty of gentlemen left out there. I noticed several times that people seemed to be extra nice and helpful to me, probably because they knew that I had no idea what I was doing. One guy actually told me how awesome he thought it was that I was taking this project on as a woman. He then told me that he really wanted to help me out. He spent a few hours over the next three days answering questions for me on the phone and giving me advice. At the end he told me he wished there were more women in the role of general contractor because of how organized and meticulous they tend to be. (I didn’t tell him how hopelessly unorganized I really am, but I was grateful for the compliment and the help!)
People may sometimes be more willing to explain in detail what you need to know.
Again, there are a lot of nice people out there. Even if they are only helping you because they feel bad for you, they are still helping you! There are countless men who took the time to painstakingly explain something to me that was totally basic to them. Occasionally they talked to me like I was 5, but I won’t complain because that is exactly what I needed.
People may genuinely be impressed when they see you are willing to do the work.
In the beginning, I (and my husband) received a lot of scrutiny for me being the general and not him. Plenty of people voiced their opinions about the capabilities and knowledge of a housewife versus a farmer. However, once we got into the build a few weeks and people could see that our house wasn’t going to fall over, those comments subsided. For the rest of the build, most of the reactions that we received were great. People were surprised and impressed that I had pulled it off and not screwed anything up too horribly wrong. The funniest part though was how many people congratulated us on our marriage still being in tact after putting the woman in charge of building the house.
By far the most comments came though, when I started putting up the siding on our house alone. Farmer was trying to get harvest finished up and the bad weather was on it’s way, so I got to work on it. No one questioned my ability after that, they just liked that I was willing to do the work.
People may like (or hate) your commitment to communication and organization.
Many women that I know are considerably more organization oriented and better at communicating than their spouses. Communicating is one of the biggest jobs of a general contractor, and staying organized is not far behind it. There will be some subs that don’t care for the extra dose of organization and communication, but many will love it. It’s refreshing to know exactly what is expected, and to never know whether or not you are on the same page.
People may be more respectful to you on the work site.
Earlier I talked about the general male environment on the work site. Now, I want to mention the opposite. In some instances, I felt like things changed in a good way because I was there. I felt very respected when I would walk in and someone would turn down the music, or put on their shirt, or tell their guys to watch their mouth. I usually recommend those sub contractors the most because I feel like a respectful person is also generally an honest one. Those are the subs you want working on your house, so it sure sends some warm fuzzies through you when you know you have hired one.
If you are a woman and taking on your first owner build, my best advice is just to prepare yourself mentally for what is to come. Grow a thick skin and don’t ever dwell on the way you get treated or the things that get said to you just because you are a woman. Make sure to do your job really well, and in the end, those rude comments will be replaced with congratulations and high fives. Don’t sweat it! Those men just aren’t used to a woman boss and they will respond a lot better if you respect them and maybe even let them know that you aren’t trying to take over their job, or tell them what to do. You just want to build your house and do the best job you know how.
How about all the rest of you female general contractors? Do you have any comments, suggestions, or advice? What was your favorite or least favorite part?
~Farmer’s Wife
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lamac66 says
Well I totally agree with your post here on this topic. I’ll say this as a man of color, I can relate. I’ll leave it at that.
Katherine Hanks says
Thank for that. It does make me more confident in trying to accomplish this goal. I am also a provider in the medical field and run into similar issues which I feel are directly correlated with me being a woman.
Susan Hale says
Good morning, I have ran into the same issue 😏. I was ignored by subcontractors even when I was standing right in front of them. I haven’t quite figured out the proper way to handle this the best way and be polite and still get what I want ….( without being known as a witch ). I have decided to be determined and remember it’s my project and my house and have waited way too long to get what I want so I will continue to push forward but any advice on how not to be the witch and get what I want successfully is greatly appreciated ……
Missi Smith says
I was also the General Contractor on our house and think this article is spot on! I was lucky enough to find an amazing framer that was super knowledgeable about the building process (could have been a GC himself). He always made himself available for me to “run things by him”.
I think the hardest part for me was when subs would try to change their bids mid-project. Having to stand firm and say NO was not always easy. I felt like they wouldn’t have tried to pull that with a male GC. My best advice is “don’t worry about everyone liking you … you are their boss not their friend”.
Liza says
Thank you for writing this. I am a stay home mom like you and I homeschool my kids too. We are in the same boat, my husband doesn’t have the time and he is way more qualified having worked for a home building company before. However I am the one who has the time, organizational skills and determination to build our dream home. So here I am going at it, not knowing what to do or how to do it, but willing to learn and move forward in order to save us money.
Thanks again. I needed this article to be aware of the situation ahead of me.
Charlise Lee says
Love this. I just recently found your website and ordered the book you suggest all the time. Building a house is our 5-7 year plan. We are starting from scratch and just beginning to start saving but I’m hoping to be a pro after taking in all of this info by the time we are ready to begin. Your website is FANTASTIC and full of so much valuable info. Thank you!
Angelia says
What a huge blessing it is for us that you are willing to share this information. You’re so well written and make the process you’re explaining easy to understand.
I’ve still in the beginning process of our build. I initially was going with a duplex, but I think I should start smaller, with the duplex being down the road in about five years. I’m looking to start permits in the next month (per your suggestion on a previous post) since I’m about five months out to break ground.
Each and every post you’ve shared, I’ve been wanting to comment on and thank you, but this one hit home especially.
I’ve been very fortunate to have church friends in the home building field who have been very generous with their time and with sharing their knowledge.
I make it a point to hang around when there is new construction or remodel going on around the church.
I stay a respective distance and also don’t chat them up until I see they’re on downtime. Having goodies and snacks to share sure doesn’t hurt!
Thank you again and I look forward to each of your posts and following along as you build your beautiful home.
Emily @ Accidental Hippies says
Thanks for addressing this! I know my husband didn’t realize this was as much of an issue as it was, so it’s good to educate and build solidarity for us women owner-builders. Since I was doing a lot of the labor myself, most sub contractors MET me while I was wearing work boots and covered in sawdust and mud. I think that made most of them not really bat an eye and treat me more like an equal. However, if we dealt only over the phone or if they first met me when I was in my teacher clothes coming from school there was definitely a more condescending tone. I made sure to take all my trips to the big box stores in my work boots, jeans, and a flannel shirt because I looked more like I knew what I was doing. If I didn’t, I’d typically have 3 or 4 people ask me, “Hon, can I help you? Do you know what you’re looking for?” Seriously people, don’t “hon” me. I’d finish hulking the 80 pound bags of concrete onto my cart like, “No thanks, sugar. I got this.” 😉
Johnette Beaver says
Yes, so did I for years until I realized my ego wasn’t helping my back one bit. They get paid to do a job and my body needs to do my job. You don’t need to prove to anyone what your capable of. I’m 62 and suffering in pain struggling to build my last and final home. Oh how I wish I had reserved my body building instead of wasting it to prove to some nitwit I didn’t even know in Lowe’s I didn’t need help. Yes you do, take it and smile and say thank you kind Sir. Your self worth isn’t up to their opinion, only your own is nessecary.
Nancy says
Great article! We are still in the planning stages… just signed a contract to sell our home this week. Once closed we will start in earnest. Goal – in home by Christmas!
At the young age of 55 I have heard it all! I was in a group of 5 women who were told on our first day on the job working building Airplanes (1984) that he did not want us there, did not like us there, we were taking a paycheck away from a man who wanted to take care of a family…. and that he would do everything in his power to get rid of us. Long story short— he tried very hard, but I am VERY hard headed! 😀
I am blessed to be married to a man who has pushed me out of my comfort zone and allowed me to be strong in who I am, as well as in who WE are. I have single handly overseen a new roof and the repair to our basement wall. If they don’t want to work with me, they don’t want our money. End of story.
Thanks to your article I will take my life experiences and your advice and be more prepared than ever!
Thanks for paving the road ahead and making our journey a little less bumpy!
Hildie says
I love this post! I haven’t done any major construction work (yet!) but I’m appalled at how I’m talked down to as a woman by “construction-type” men all the time. Even a couple of months ago at The Big Orange Home store. I went to rent a machine to take off the top layer of my lawn so I could re-sod. I got online before I went over there to make sure that it would fit in the back of my car because it’s a pretty huge machine. It measured out fine but when I got there the guy helping me would not believe that the machine would fit in the back of my car even though I assured him it would. He refused to believe me! Finally I told him to go get his tape measure and measure it himself. He did, and I was right. As I was loading up the machine he asked if I’d hired someone to help me. I very icily replied that I didn’t need to hire anyone; I could do it just fine. The sod removal machine ended up being super easy and now I always go to a different Big Orange store when I rent tools or machines (which is about once a month) so I don’t have to deal with that insulting jerk. The guy is about 60-ish so maybe it’s just the generation. I really wanted to sit down and tell him that I fix and construct absolutely everything in our house and that, while my husband is a wonderful and talented man, he can’t fix a dang thing.
Susan Hale says
Sorry you had to go through that. You should tell the store manager at the big orange store so others don’t have to go through that harassment. Good for you for calling him out 👍👏
Keila says
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m a single woman seriously considering being the general contractor of my home and I’m so glad I found your site!!! Please keep doing what you’re doing!
Dana says
Spot on! I am currently in the process of building our home too, but with a product not well know in the area that is “green”. I feel as though our home could be a model home that could create excitement for future builds. With this said, have you ever approached suppliers (i.e. window, siding, cabinetry manufactures) to possibly donate or sell at cost their products in exchange for free advertising? We would be willing to allow (per contract specifications) our home as a “go see” model for those who would be interested in this highly desirable fire resistant product which also has additional benefits (to many to mention).
Seven of us says
Farmers wife, you are that and so much more. I hope by the end of this you also give yourself the credit you deserve and re-title yourself, Mrs. GC & Family Director (duties include mom, farmers wife, & general contracting)
This blog has been a go-to for me every time I feel a bit discouraged or when i need some guidance. I’ve been quite lucky so far with my subs, BUT we haven’t started construction yet. I do have one man who will only talk to my husband, ultimately I’m not using him, even if he is the best. My husband isn’t general contracting, I am. I made that kindly clear. I’ve had many men so very helpful in explaining things. It makes a big difference in who I ultimately choose. I love this article, it’s necessary to open some eyes of people who think this will be easy. It was in no way offensive. Keep up the amazing work Mrs. GC & FD. 😚
Moriah says
I am so glad you wrote this, THANK YOU! I had determined from the beginning to be our gc and while I never thought of it as specifically a mans job (maybe because I’m so detail oriented and controlling? Who knows haha) I had also never heard of a woman doing it or actual construction. So, this post has been very encouraging, enlightening and will be so helpful when we do build. A side note, While I’m sure he knew you were a capable and confident woman, I wonder if your husband is secretly taking note to be especially careful of what and when he tells you “why don’t you just do it”. I mean, there is no greater motivator than someone telling you you can’t have something unless you do it yourself,( or that you can’t do it for that matter). I wonder if he quite knew what he was saying LOL! Good for both of you and good luck on the rest of your journey! ❤️
Kim Z. says
As a female GC as well it was interesting as I read this I found myself saying out loud “Yes, Oh Ya that”, and on and on.
Great article! Myself, I had found that I ran into many of the same plus because we were an interracial couple it added to some things. When I wanted to get my suppliers and told my hubby ok were road tripping, when are you free? I wanted hos input on finishes, cabinets, and fixtures as well. We laugh at most of what we ran into now, but overall we learned which sub companies treated us both the same “alone” as separate customers were who we hired. I ran the project, but both of us built. We did 100% of the labor on siding, cat5, finish carpentry, paint, exterior stone,kitchen design and build, interior time, hardwood floors, deck, irrigation, and assisted with the bigger projects, leaving the pros to do items we could not. I loved it. Every part of it. Yes, you will get those that will push back, but more so you will get great help from your subs.
Our subs were great!!!! The skill sets they had made me appreciate even more their hard work. When I saw how my new sub was on site working along side I would bring crew lunch or coffee and donuts, then we all started bustin our arse! Good times!
Overall, you can do It!
I’m getting ready to start this process again and I look forward to it.
If you know what you want go for it. Research, understand, and communicate what you need. Your expectation helps with photos.
I use Pinterest quite a bit to get my ideas all in one place when I’m starting any project.
Happy Building
Johnette Beaver says
Ladies,
I am a 62 year old Custom Decorator. I owned and operated my own Commercial and Residential Awning company as well as Canvas and marine/Residential upholstery and drapery business. Due to our County regulations in order to install awnings on a Commercial building one had to get a Commercial Awning Contractors license. Due to Commercial work it was basically a GC but of course you weren’t allowed to be GC unless you were willing to pay a very large sum of money and take almost the exact same test. It did include two more chapters but I had studied them anyway. I State these facts to just give you background on my knowledge base. When I split and sold my businesses I became the Custom Decorator for Sears in Vero Beach FL. After leaving there when they chose to discontinue their Custom Decorating I opened Divine Design. I have been a woman in business since I was in my 20s and I want to encourage each and every one of you. You can accomplish anything you want. However I also want to caution you, there will be a price. I have built from earth to sky. From setting form boards of foundations to roofing. I walked clients through the owner/builder permitting process and then required them to work along side me. I taught them why they should always pull permits! To never allow anyone to touch their house without one. It is for your safety and to protect you!! My County zoning dept loved me and even when they came and were going to just sign off without checking due to how well we built. We said no, check our work!! Everyone makes mistakes and if you want to be good you will want to learn from them, correct them and sleep well at night knowing you have built it better than code!! Code is minimal!! Build better than code!!
You will be calling upon your body to do work that men are usually far more physically built to do.I mean no offense but it’s a scientific fact, a mans muscle mass is denser and their bones usually stronger. I am not telling you don’t do it. I am telling you be very decisive in what you are willing to sacrifice your body for. Count the cost! And it might not be today or even tomorrow but trust me you will pay the price!! if I could do it all again, I would and do now smile sweetly at those arrogant men when they act like I can’t lift an 80 lb bag of concrete and say thank you kind Sir and allow him to hurt his body. I can and still do lift things that weigh more than that. However I do so when I need to, I choose and I preserve my strengths and energies for my own self and wellbeing and my desires.. I no long need to prove to some nit wit in Lowe’s or Home Depot whom I do not even know that I’m capable of doing anything. My knowledge and understanding of my capabilities does not hing on his opinion. Smile as you walk away knowing your far smarter than he. Know yourself, that’s the only optinion that matters and be smarter than I and learn this one much sooner than I did. I deal with pain daily from injuries sustained in a Carr accident when I was 19 years old. Did I allow it to stop me. NO but it certainly should have governed my ego much sooner and I would be much the better for it. Be the beautiful, strong, but much smarter woman and when it is all said and done you will not end up broken and in pain but strong and intelligent, using all your skills to accomplish everything you dream. As far as getting subs to do what is needed ALWAYS get a contract that’s pay incrementally based upon work completed to your satisfaction and then when they try to renegotiate or slow work, again smiling sweetly ask them if they would like to get paid! Sometimes just a little reminder that you do sign their check is needed. I always make sure when meeting with new subs to state very clearly that you will be working for me, not with me and all changes must be run by me, agreed upon and signed and dated by ALL parties. My husband who has worked with me in past years always may it a point to immediately infor any one who came to him. Don’t ask me, she’s the boss and I suggest you don’t disrespect her again by coming to me. It worked every time! Good luck and build on.
Anna says
Great article. I’m a general contractor of our house. We are breaking the ground this spring. it’s a tremendous job that required a lot time and preparation. I do it all by myself, my husband is not involved. He is not a handy-dandy man and I have to explain thing to him, so I understand we are on the same page. It’s very seldom we are together while I’m interviewing another sub or showing them the scope of work. They have no chance but accept me as a general contractor. Some people will not take you seriously and you will hear the laugh behind you back. Sometimes they are not even a trade man. Just accept it as their weakness, they laugh because they could never do it themselves. Most of them change them mind while talking to you, because as it was mentioned – to be general you have to research and study every topic, so you use the same language during conversation. There is no right or wrong questions. Just find the right subs for you. People who know and like what they doing, always happy to talk about it a lot and answer every “stupid” question you may have
Good luck to everyone
Lori says
This is so true! We built a house last year and I was the GC. I only had one sub fit solidly in the challenges section and he was quite a doozie. He was so bad that my husband had to confront him and he made him apologize to me. He was even rude when he apologized, but I knew he was scared of my husband and that made me laugh! It also made me realize that even though he was one of the top producing subs in his area of work, and makes lots of money, he is a very insecure person and that is sad. I had another sub that I feel sort of took advantage of my inexperience, but the rest of our subs were definitely in the opportunities section. When our building inspector came for our CO, he asked me if I would ever do it again. Without hesitation, I said I would and that it was really a lot of fun! He said I was the first person to EVER tell him that! So, maybe it has less to do with gender and more to do with the subs out there and how you handle negative people. Plus, I think all these challenges and opportunities are just how life is in general for everyone. I have 4 daughters who also helped with our house and through it all, I have told them some people are going to be kind and considerate, and some people are going to be rude and inconsiderate. That is just how life is. We can let it get us down and feel bad about ourselves (and maybe become just like those people) or we can look at it as an opportunity for improving our own lives. I made an example of our “bad” sub by telling my girls, “we don’t want to be like THAT guy!” And certainly we don’t! Same idea applies to the folks behind us at the movie theater who talk loudly through the entire movie, right?!. Happy Building!! 😉
Elizabeth says
This is spot on! I found that older men have a harder time listening to me, and honestly I have a harder time dealing with subs that are my Dads age bc I don’t want to challenge them or make them feel less than.
Of course they aren’t. My Hispanic crews are my favorite bc they always look out for their ladies and they respect the role that I am in and always try and make sure the other guys aren’t taking advantage of me.
Love your blog!
farmerswife@therealfarmhouse.com says
Thanks Elizabeth!